Independance

I feel like im soo far behind.. in everything.  School, relationships, experiences, partying, life, just everything. But one thing that I feel I am the most behind in, is independance.

At my age now, most of my friends are moved out, driving, in college or university etc. And I havent even had a serious boyfriend yet! Im worried that next september when I do move out and start my own life, that im not going to be ready.  I still ask my mom for permission before I go anywhere & I can't even drive on my own yet. Im scared that when I go to college, all the independance is going to jump at me all at once, and im not going to be able to handle it.

Blah, missing a chunk of my teenage years, is a lot harder than i thought. I thought I would just pick up and go back to normal, but its not nearly that easy.

Depression

Depression is a very real thing.  Going through it when you feel like no one can relate to you, & you feel alone is awful. Lately I have been in a huge slump and can't seem to get myself out of it.  I'm stuck between really wanting friends right now, to just wanting everyone to leave me alone.  I am confused and over whelmed, and just not really sure what to do with myself at the moment.  It's really tough. My mental state at the point is a lot worse than my health, and in a lot of ways, I find that to be harder.

Dont know what you have until it's gone

Hair. Omg. I have hair! Not just a little peach fuzz, I now have a full head of hair.  Most people hate their hair and get fed up with having to style it, but once you lose your hair, you get a whole new appreciation for it. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to have hair; it could be a blue frizzy disaster and I would still be pleased.

You really don't know what you have, until it gets taken away from you.  We all take so much for granted without even realizing it. Air for example; how many of you stop and say "boy im glad i can breath, air rocks"? You just don't think of that stuff, until all of the sudden you can't breath. Same goes for walking. I think after you get cancer, or anything life threatening, you really do have an entirely new appreciation for life and all the things that come with it. Its the little things that matter the most.

recovery is just as tuff

Today has been a hard one.  It is thanksgiving day and I am trying so hard to be thankful.  I am thankful for being alive and I am o'so thankful for my wonderful family and all of their support.

It can be very difficult for me to understand what my body is going through, I am fighting for my life, and yet for some reason that is the last thing on my mind.  I am worried about schooling, boys, weight, friends etc.. death is the last thing on my list, simply because it doesn't feel real.  As I recover, I have found new struggles, that no one seems to have warned me about...

When I was told that my treatment would last three years, I had assumed that that would be the last of my cancer issues.  I figured that when I was done being sick and taking medicine, that everything would go back to the way it was; that I would have a "normal" life.  Unfortunately today I have realized that that is not the case.  At this moment I'm struggling to find any confidence at all.  I can't work, because of my fatigue and lack of muscle.  School is a constant struggle for me because of how much school I missed, my fatigue, and walking.  I can't drive for several more reasons.  I am just so far behind in life in general, that I wonder if I will ever catch up.  I am trying so hard to be positive for the people around me, but I am just so sick and tired of cancer taking over.  I want to have a job and be able to support myself, I want to move out and go to university, have a boyfriend and party with friends.. and yet none of that seems to be happening any time soon.  Yes I am sure all of that will happen eventually, I just really wish I could be at the same pace as everybody else.  I am tired of feeling so different.  It's also hard because I feel like I can't talk to anybody about these things... I feel like I am complaining when I talk to anyone about it, and I also want to stay strong and be positive; but sometimes it's hard to keep it all bottled up.  Sometimes I push people away, because I don't want to bare other people with my several issues, but sometimes I wish people would try just a little harder to stay a part of my life.

being me

This summer has truly been an adventure for me... A lot of it was really amazing, I was finally well enough to travel on my own to BC, for three weeks! And yet a lot of it was really hard for me.  I am realising the hard way, once again, that I am not a "normal" teenager.  I don't like partying all the time, or getting sucked in to all of the negative drama. I am so glad that I am getting better, but I am also learning that, that comes with a lot of new struggles.. I have no friends, yet I want to be social.  I have a year until college, yet I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. But I think the main thing that I am struggling with, is finding out who I am.  What I like and what I don't, but also the people I want to surround myself with. For two and a half years, cancer was my main focus...now that I am getting my own life back, I really have to figure out what I want myself and my new life, to look like.

Update on how things are going :)

     I am finally getting some regular teenage bits and pieces in my life--boys, prom, school, work, even growing some hair!  I could almost style it into a pixie cut now, which makes me so beyond happy, I don't even know how to explain the feeling.  It's wonderful.  I even got my G2 drivers licence, I'm not quite ready to drive on my own yet, but with practice, I'll get there.
     Last Friday was my two year mark of the day that I was diagnosed.  Most people ask me why I think it was a day to celebrate, and they expect me to be sad.  I see it as the complete opposite of that, March 27th, 2013 was the day that my life completely changed, the day I was diagnosed with leukemia, and last Friday, to me, was a huge reminder of how much I have have overcome, and how much I have improved since that day.  It is another day that I am successfully fighting, and beating cancers ass! I think that's reason for a huge celebration.  I am not 100% sure when my treatment will be completely finished, but I know that it's a big step closer to the end.  A bunch of friends and family came over and we all went to the mandarin for dinner, and it was really nice, I had a lot of fun just being with some of the people have always been there for me.
     Treatment-wise, things are going fairly well.  Right now I get a bag of chemotherapy once every four weeks, a lumbar puncture every eight weeks, along with another bag of chemo, and I'm on two types of oral chemo everyday.  I got a lumbar puncture yesterday.  It's a big needle that goes into your spine and they take out spinal fluid so that they can test it for cancer cells.  The next step is they inject chemo in my back, and I have to lay flat for an hour so the chemo can circulate around my brain.  It hurt, but once you get something enough of times, you get used to it.
   
   

New school. (I'm back!)

It has been forever since I've posted on here!.. To be perfectly honest, 1) I forgot my password and 2) I have actually been busy!  I started school the beginning of this year, but I just wasn't getting enough credits fast enough.  I ended up switching to an independent learning school called C.I.S where I can go at my own paste.  They are so much more flexible with attendance, I was just missing way to much school because I had to be in hospital.  There is also a lot less people there, and I feel right at home.  They all ended up at this school for one reason or another, but they just couldn't attend a regular school, so I feel no judgement.  There may be a lot of adults and older students there, but most students are so much more mature, I feel like I fit in so much better.  I feel like it was really important for me to start at C.I.S, not just for school work, but for me as a person.  I think I learnt a lot about my self, and I was able to come out of my nut-shell, and know that it's not my fault I am the way I am (lack of hair, restrictions because of cancer, etc.) therefor I should not be ashamed or self conscious.  I think that it's really important to accept yourself for 100% who you are, and not be afraid to show it off.  This school has really started to help me do that.