Dont know what you have until it's gone

Hair. Omg. I have hair! Not just a little peach fuzz, I now have a full head of hair.  Most people hate their hair and get fed up with having to style it, but once you lose your hair, you get a whole new appreciation for it. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to have hair; it could be a blue frizzy disaster and I would still be pleased.

You really don't know what you have, until it gets taken away from you.  We all take so much for granted without even realizing it. Air for example; how many of you stop and say "boy im glad i can breath, air rocks"? You just don't think of that stuff, until all of the sudden you can't breath. Same goes for walking. I think after you get cancer, or anything life threatening, you really do have an entirely new appreciation for life and all the things that come with it. Its the little things that matter the most.

recovery is just as tuff

Today has been a hard one.  It is thanksgiving day and I am trying so hard to be thankful.  I am thankful for being alive and I am o'so thankful for my wonderful family and all of their support.

It can be very difficult for me to understand what my body is going through, I am fighting for my life, and yet for some reason that is the last thing on my mind.  I am worried about schooling, boys, weight, friends etc.. death is the last thing on my list, simply because it doesn't feel real.  As I recover, I have found new struggles, that no one seems to have warned me about...

When I was told that my treatment would last three years, I had assumed that that would be the last of my cancer issues.  I figured that when I was done being sick and taking medicine, that everything would go back to the way it was; that I would have a "normal" life.  Unfortunately today I have realized that that is not the case.  At this moment I'm struggling to find any confidence at all.  I can't work, because of my fatigue and lack of muscle.  School is a constant struggle for me because of how much school I missed, my fatigue, and walking.  I can't drive for several more reasons.  I am just so far behind in life in general, that I wonder if I will ever catch up.  I am trying so hard to be positive for the people around me, but I am just so sick and tired of cancer taking over.  I want to have a job and be able to support myself, I want to move out and go to university, have a boyfriend and party with friends.. and yet none of that seems to be happening any time soon.  Yes I am sure all of that will happen eventually, I just really wish I could be at the same pace as everybody else.  I am tired of feeling so different.  It's also hard because I feel like I can't talk to anybody about these things... I feel like I am complaining when I talk to anyone about it, and I also want to stay strong and be positive; but sometimes it's hard to keep it all bottled up.  Sometimes I push people away, because I don't want to bare other people with my several issues, but sometimes I wish people would try just a little harder to stay a part of my life.