What comes after cancer?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and as much as having cancer sucks, I'm a little worried about what life is going to be like after I'm done with cancer.  It's not just a break in my life, for a teenager 3 years is a long time, and I'm missing out on a big part of my life.  It's life changing really, everything is different, my health, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, everything.  So I wonder if I'll ever be able to be back sitting in a class room filled with girls gossiping about drama, and boys doing whatever teenage boys do, to me those things don't really matter anymore.  I used to care about things like drama, and who's dating who, and what the supply teacher is wearing, but honestly none of that matters any more, the world is so much bigger than that.  I see status' about how there's a cold going around and people write things like "omg I feel like I'm dying! Sooo sick D:" and I just roll my eyes at it because they don't know the half of it.  Not that I blame them, how are they suppose to know?  Most people don't have to go through this, ever.  I just feel really different, and I'm going to have these memories with me forever, so it kind of makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to really connect with an average person later on.  I'm not sure if that sounds shallow, or makes me crazy.  I'm just worried I won't ever be "normal" again, even without cancer.

Every day struggles

Every day I have a different struggle, but the main thing that is a constant battle is walking.  When I got cancer, I lost all of my energy to do literally anything, so I haven't gotten hardly any physical exercise.  When you are sitting and laying down that much, for that long, you would think you would gain weight.  I was the exact opposite, I lost all of my muscles, and the disease itself makes me lose weight constantly.  Because of this, it makes it very hard for my legs to support me.  One of the chemo drugs that I take, has a side effect that gives me a condition called foot drop.  This means that my ankles are very delicate, and weak, and I cannot lift my feet on my own, so walking like a regular person-heal to toe, is next to impossible.  Its really hard to gain back muscle, yet you lose it unbelievably fast.  I really don't like not being able to walk properly because it means I need help all the time, it makes me feel vulnerable, and needy.  It's also scary because if I fall, I can't get back up on my own, so I'm never allowed to be left alone.  An other struggle that I have on a daily basis, is the nausea.  In the past 6 months, I have thrown up 10x more than a regular person would, in there entire lives.  You learn to keep going though, if every time you puke, you stay in bed for the rest of the day, you're going to be in bed for three years, and that's just not realistic.  My family and I try to make light of any and every situation, for example we named my puke bucket Vern.  It may be a little thing, but it does make a difference.  Saying "can you pass me the Vern?" is a lot nicer than saying "get me the bucket!".  Moral of the story is, thinking positively and making light of any situation, makes everything easier, and a lot more bearable.

Make a Wish Foundation

Every child under the age of 18, that has a life threatening illness, is eligible for one wish from the make a wish foundation.  You can ask to meet someone, you can ask for something, or you can ask to go somewhere.  This ranges from all sorts of things, like spending a day with your favourite celebrity, or getting a hot tub in your back yard, or you could take your entire family to Hawaii and go swim with the dolphins.  I qualify for this wish, but I honestly have no idea what to ask for!  I am not going to wish for anything right now, but it has to be before im 18, I am 16 now.  I've done research on some of the things that other people have wished for, and some of them are really touching.  There was a little girl who wished to "give back", so she wished she could give every cancer patient in that hospital, a bunny and a blanket, because she had a bunny and blanket and that is what gave her hope when she was feeling really ill.  So rather than wishing for something for herself she wished to give other cancer patients hope.  The fact that such a young girl has that big of a heart, truly moved me.  Most children wished for things like swimming with the dolphins, or going on a Disney cruise was a big one, or wishing for a Pony, or the latest laptop.  I wanted to wish to help build a school in Africa, but the reality is, Africa is not a healthy place, and it would be dangerous for me to travel there when I could get more ill than I already am.  I was also considering taking my family away somewhere for a week, because they are suffering through this as well.  I am not sure where I would go though.  I'm looking for suggestions, as to what you think I should wish for.  I'd love to hear all of your creative ideas!  If you would like to give me a suggestion, or tell me what you would wish for, or even if you have a wish story of your own, please leave it in the comments:)

Philadelphia Chromosome

Not only do i have leukaemia, but shortly after I was diagnosed, the doctors found a disease on top of my disease.  It is a very rare condition, called Philadelphia Chromosome.  Less than 3% of the population gets it, but lucky me I get this one and cancer.  In the past ten years there has only been one other person that I am aware of, that has received this diagnosis.  My doctor has only ever treated one other person with the Chromosome, and that's the only person that I have heard of with this disease,ever.  If I had this three years ago, I would have been as good as dead, they only recently came out with the cure.  The change in technology in these past few years has been absolutely incredible, and even though I am very glad that they found a cure, it still complicates absolutely everything in my treatment plan.  The Chromosome makes it a lot more difficult to cure the leukaemia, so I get double the amount of chemotherapy, that a regular leukaemia patient would have, and I have to take two nasty chemotherapy pills everyday.  Because I am on so much chemo, it makes it really hard for me to recover on time.  My treatment plan says I will be on chemotherapy for 3 years, but as the days go by it seems to be getting longer, rather than shorter, every time I don't recover fast enough for my next dose of chemo.  It has been really hard going through this disease, because even though I'm always surrounded by tones of people with cancer, nobody has the same kind as me, I couldn't relate to anyone. I have always felt alone, and very different.  It was also scary because nobody even told me what happened to the other patient that had the same thing as me, all I knew was that he and I were the only ones, and he was diagnosed within the past ten years, I didn't have much to go by.  A lot of the times when i was in the hospital for days on end, a nurse would look at me and tell me that he's the only one shes ever seen throw up as much as I did.  At this point I was very curious about who he was, and if he made it out okay or not, but they couldn't tell me because of privacy reasons.  Today when I was sitting in the hospital, waiting for my blood counts(I'll explain those in a different post), my mom started a conversation with a boy next to me, I have seen him around every once and a while but never really took the time to have a decent conversation with him.  She asked his age, and what type of cancer he has, he said "almost 17, and leukaemia as well as a rare disease called Philadelphia Chromosome".  I couldn't believe my ears.   We sat there and talked for like an hour, it was so nice to finally not be alone.  I am so glad that I now have some one to talk to, and relate to.  I can't believe that for the 7 months I've had cancer I've never met him, but I'm so glad I did.  I hope we stay in touch.

hair party

This is me and all of my closest friends, the day that i said goodbye to my hair.  I knew that I needed to cut it off, because my hair was falling out rapidly and it was getting everywhere, but I really didn't want it to be a sad day.  I decided to to have a party in my hairs honour instead.  I got all my friends together and my close family members, and we had ice cream cake and pizza, and we all gathered around and took turns cutting my hair into different styles.  I went from having boob length hair, to shoulder length, to a bob, to Rhianna style, to a Mohawk and a bunch more, it was fun.  We turned what should have been a life changing, sad moment, to a fun, loving party.  There was so much love and support surrounding me, and I honestly couldn't have been happier, if I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing.

Things to remember about a cancer patient

• They're still the same person, even though they have a disease, their personality is the same, and they will have the same thoughts towards you as they did before they were diagnosed.  So don't treat them like they're a different person.
• Ask them questions!  Don't be afraid to ask, we want you to be aware and involved, so you know what's going on.
• STAY IN TOUCH.  When I got cancer, I lost over half of my really great friends, just because they didn't know what to say, so they chose to say nothing at all.  Cancer is scary, but what's scarier, is going through it alone.
• Don't talk just about cancer, talk about regular things as well, make them feel just as involved in your life.  
• Things like "how are you doing?" and "any updates on whats going on?" are really simple little things to say, that make us feel like we can open up to you, and tell you what's going on. 

How it began

I was diagnosed with leukaemia on March 27th, 2013.  I had been sick for about a month or so, and my parents just thought I had an iron deficiency or something, seeing as I had poor eating habits.  I progressively got worse, so my mom took me in to get blood work.  The results came back the next day, and they immediately sent me to the Kingston General Hospital, suspecting I had cancer.  I was too ill to be put out, so they had to keep me awake while the doctors did a bone marrow test(when they take a piece of my bone out and test it for cancer cells).  It was extremely painful, but we only had to wait about an hour before the doctor came in and confirmed my disease.  I think I went into shock, nobody really said anything, we all just sat there and cried.  If there was anything good out of that day, it was the amount of love that was in the room.  I had almost my entire family by my side, and none of them left me.  It was a hard day, but I think it brought my family closer together, in more ways than one. 

what i'm going to be talking about

I don't think people are aware enough of what having cancer actually means, or what it's like.  I would like to change that by using my blog, I'm going to be writing about my everyday life; the struggles, but the good things as well.  I'm also going to be writing advice on how to act and respond towards cancer patients.