so many emotions

Lately I've been less myself and more an emotional roller coaster.  I've been really struggling lately, not so much with sickness, but just with all of my feelings, it's been really difficult.  I feel like I catch myself feeling sorry for myself too much.  It's hard looking at everyone else playing in the snow and building forts, skating, and sledding, when I know that I can't do any of that.  I've had cancer for almost a year now, and I really miss my friends, but I also really miss my old life.  I miss going to school, I miss having strength, and the ability to walk and be stable, I miss what I used to look like.  I feel like I'm pushing people away, not because they've done anything wrong, or I don't like them anymore, but it's because in reality, I am so self conscious.  It doesn't matter how many people tell me "you're beautiful with or without hair" because I don't feel beautiful.  I know I look nothing like a regular teenage girl, or myself before cancer, and I don't want people to remember me like this, I want them to remember me as the girl I was. I feel bad pushing people away, and I do want to be with them, but right now I just like being alone, and I can't decide whether or not that's a bad thing.  

its thursday and im on time!-blood donations

Today my Thursday post is going to be about blood donations.  I want to raise awareness on what happens to blood when you go to a blood clinic and donate, because a lot of people have the wrong idea.  A lot of people, including myself before I got cancer, think that the blood just goes to people that have been in an accident of some sort and lost a lot of blood.  In reality any cancer patient needs tones of extra blood.  I have received over 20 red blood cell transfusions so far, and I will continue to need them.  Also when you give blood, that blood gets separated into many different things, including red blood cells and platelets, I have also received several platelet transfusions.  Without these transfusions, I wouldn't be here today.  It's not just cancer patients that receive transfusions, it's tones of people that have an illness who are in need as well.  It takes four people to create one blood bag.  When you donate blood you are saving a life somewhere, you may never know who or when, but at least you know you are making a difference.  I appreciate anyone who has ever taken the time to donate blood, it may not seem like a big deal, but seriously, for someone it's life changing.

incredible support

I wanted to share this with everyone a long time ago, but frankly I just haven't had the time.  I switched schools just before I was diagnosed but the school that I left I really liked.  It was ENSS in Brighton, Ontario.  Anyways, I had a friend there named Maddy, we weren't super close, but we were pretty good friends and when I left and got cancer, we pretty well lost touch.  Understandable, seeing as we both had fairly busy lives and difficulties to deal with.  Not long ago, Maddy messaged me, we hadn't talked in weeks, maybe months.  She explained to me, that she had been reading my blog and Facebook posts and felt bad that I was upset over loosing my hair, so she and her boyfriend, and a team of friends got together and worked really hard and raised $470 to buy me a wig and surprise me with it for Christmas.  I'm honestly so touched, there aren't many words to describe how I feel, the support and kindness is just unreal.  I was really surprised and not expecting that at all, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, the thought of it all is just so nice.  Thank you so much to anyone who was involved, especially Maddy, Jamey, and Rebecca. You guys rock.

i suck.

Wow I seriously suck at keeping up with my blog sorry guys, I'm going to try harder I really am.  It has been really crazy for me lately, I just finished an other hospital admission and this time around it hit me pretty hard.  I have really bad mouth sores, headache, and regular aches and pains, but the cells in my feet are broken and inflamed, and I have this weird reddish, purple rash on both my feet and my hands, and its really quite painful.  The doctors think its a reaction to one of my drugs but they aren't sure which one because they have never seen this before.  That's the update for now! The good thing about not feeling well is I get my moms cauliflower soup, it doesn't get much better than that. Also when I went in to the hospital to ask about my rash, my step dad came with us.  Unfortunately he rarely gets to come, or be involved in stuff like that because he is working hard to cover two incomes.  So it was really nice just having him there with me for support, and to see what goes on when I go to the hospital.

update

Its been a really long time since I've made a blog post, so I think I'm going to start making a new post every Thursday, that way I'm doing at least one a week.  Lately I just haven't had much to say, nothing is going out of the blue wrong, but I'm not doing all that great either.  I'm just kind of blah.  One thing that I would love to share, is that the Cobourg cadets threw me a benefit dance the other day and raised $1000 for my family, which was just incredible.  Big shout out and thanks to my neighbor, Sue who made it all happen:) your support is truly appreciated!