Today has been a hard one. It is thanksgiving day and I am trying so hard to be thankful. I am thankful for being alive and I am o'so thankful for my wonderful family and all of their support.
It can be very difficult for me to understand what my body is going through, I am fighting for my life, and yet for some reason that is the last thing on my mind. I am worried about schooling, boys, weight, friends etc.. death is the last thing on my list, simply because it doesn't feel real. As I recover, I have found new struggles, that no one seems to have warned me about...
When I was told that my treatment would last three years, I had assumed that that would be the last of my cancer issues. I figured that when I was done being sick and taking medicine, that everything would go back to the way it was; that I would have a "normal" life. Unfortunately today I have realized that that is not the case. At this moment I'm struggling to find any confidence at all. I can't work, because of my fatigue and lack of muscle. School is a constant struggle for me because of how much school I missed, my fatigue, and walking. I can't drive for several more reasons. I am just so far behind in life in general, that I wonder if I will ever catch up. I am trying so hard to be positive for the people around me, but I am just so sick and tired of cancer taking over. I want to have a job and be able to support myself, I want to move out and go to university, have a boyfriend and party with friends.. and yet none of that seems to be happening any time soon. Yes I am sure all of that will happen eventually, I just really wish I could be at the same pace as everybody else. I am tired of feeling so different. It's also hard because I feel like I can't talk to anybody about these things... I feel like I am complaining when I talk to anyone about it, and I also want to stay strong and be positive; but sometimes it's hard to keep it all bottled up. Sometimes I push people away, because I don't want to bare other people with my several issues, but sometimes I wish people would try just a little harder to stay a part of my life.
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