not my best Christmas...

So as I was saying before, these past few weeks have been really hard, and yet they have managed to get worse.  The first week I was put on high dose methotrexate (chemotherapy) and that took a lot out of me.  I went home hoping for a week of recovery time, but I realised if I did that, I would then be in hospital on Christmas. I was home for one night, and then I went to my uncles because he lives a lot closer to the hospital.  I went to the hospital everyday for an other week getting various chemo therapies, they were all very long days. Then I finally went home, to see my mom for her birthday.  After a couple nights at home, we had to go back to the hospital for a check up.  My counts were so low, and I was so dehydrated that the hospital said I had to spend the night there and get some transfusions.  They released me on Christmas Eve and I went home and relaxed with my family but I still wasn't feeling well. By the time Christmas came around, I managed to get out of bed and do presents but then I got a fever and my mom and I had to go back to the hospital :( I was only supposed to stay for 48 hours but they found an infection in my blood, and i wasn't able to eat or drink anything because I had really bad mouth sores and couldn't stop throwing up, so now I have to be here for at least 10 days. I have something wrong with my intestines so they're treating me for that, but I also have fluid under my knee cap and there is something wrong with my hip, so I can't really walk.  I still have pretty bad mouth sores and still can't eat so I'm on lots of IV meds, and they're giving me nutrition through IV as well. I'm hoping to get better and go home soon because it honestly feels like I haven't been home in forever, and I'm just really tired, sore, and sick of the hospital.

So these past few weeks have been pretty rough, and I've decided that until everything gets a little more regular, the Thursday blog post thing just isn't going to happen, however, I will try my best to write one every week.

schooling

A lot of people ask me what I am doing for school, so I thought I would just make a quick post about it.  I am enrolled at CDCI East, in cobourg, but technicly I am home schooled.  A teacher at the East provides me with work to complete at my own pace.  It's not like regular home schooling, I don't have any due dates, or anything like that.  Work has been really hard for me to do, and I don't do much of it right now, because when I'm really not feeling well I don't want to be sitting around doing work, but when I am feeling good I want to be out doing things. 

so many emotions

Lately I've been less myself and more an emotional roller coaster.  I've been really struggling lately, not so much with sickness, but just with all of my feelings, it's been really difficult.  I feel like I catch myself feeling sorry for myself too much.  It's hard looking at everyone else playing in the snow and building forts, skating, and sledding, when I know that I can't do any of that.  I've had cancer for almost a year now, and I really miss my friends, but I also really miss my old life.  I miss going to school, I miss having strength, and the ability to walk and be stable, I miss what I used to look like.  I feel like I'm pushing people away, not because they've done anything wrong, or I don't like them anymore, but it's because in reality, I am so self conscious.  It doesn't matter how many people tell me "you're beautiful with or without hair" because I don't feel beautiful.  I know I look nothing like a regular teenage girl, or myself before cancer, and I don't want people to remember me like this, I want them to remember me as the girl I was. I feel bad pushing people away, and I do want to be with them, but right now I just like being alone, and I can't decide whether or not that's a bad thing.  

its thursday and im on time!-blood donations

Today my Thursday post is going to be about blood donations.  I want to raise awareness on what happens to blood when you go to a blood clinic and donate, because a lot of people have the wrong idea.  A lot of people, including myself before I got cancer, think that the blood just goes to people that have been in an accident of some sort and lost a lot of blood.  In reality any cancer patient needs tones of extra blood.  I have received over 20 red blood cell transfusions so far, and I will continue to need them.  Also when you give blood, that blood gets separated into many different things, including red blood cells and platelets, I have also received several platelet transfusions.  Without these transfusions, I wouldn't be here today.  It's not just cancer patients that receive transfusions, it's tones of people that have an illness who are in need as well.  It takes four people to create one blood bag.  When you donate blood you are saving a life somewhere, you may never know who or when, but at least you know you are making a difference.  I appreciate anyone who has ever taken the time to donate blood, it may not seem like a big deal, but seriously, for someone it's life changing.

incredible support

I wanted to share this with everyone a long time ago, but frankly I just haven't had the time.  I switched schools just before I was diagnosed but the school that I left I really liked.  It was ENSS in Brighton, Ontario.  Anyways, I had a friend there named Maddy, we weren't super close, but we were pretty good friends and when I left and got cancer, we pretty well lost touch.  Understandable, seeing as we both had fairly busy lives and difficulties to deal with.  Not long ago, Maddy messaged me, we hadn't talked in weeks, maybe months.  She explained to me, that she had been reading my blog and Facebook posts and felt bad that I was upset over loosing my hair, so she and her boyfriend, and a team of friends got together and worked really hard and raised $470 to buy me a wig and surprise me with it for Christmas.  I'm honestly so touched, there aren't many words to describe how I feel, the support and kindness is just unreal.  I was really surprised and not expecting that at all, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, the thought of it all is just so nice.  Thank you so much to anyone who was involved, especially Maddy, Jamey, and Rebecca. You guys rock.

i suck.

Wow I seriously suck at keeping up with my blog sorry guys, I'm going to try harder I really am.  It has been really crazy for me lately, I just finished an other hospital admission and this time around it hit me pretty hard.  I have really bad mouth sores, headache, and regular aches and pains, but the cells in my feet are broken and inflamed, and I have this weird reddish, purple rash on both my feet and my hands, and its really quite painful.  The doctors think its a reaction to one of my drugs but they aren't sure which one because they have never seen this before.  That's the update for now! The good thing about not feeling well is I get my moms cauliflower soup, it doesn't get much better than that. Also when I went in to the hospital to ask about my rash, my step dad came with us.  Unfortunately he rarely gets to come, or be involved in stuff like that because he is working hard to cover two incomes.  So it was really nice just having him there with me for support, and to see what goes on when I go to the hospital.