so many emotions

Lately I've been less myself and more an emotional roller coaster.  I've been really struggling lately, not so much with sickness, but just with all of my feelings, it's been really difficult.  I feel like I catch myself feeling sorry for myself too much.  It's hard looking at everyone else playing in the snow and building forts, skating, and sledding, when I know that I can't do any of that.  I've had cancer for almost a year now, and I really miss my friends, but I also really miss my old life.  I miss going to school, I miss having strength, and the ability to walk and be stable, I miss what I used to look like.  I feel like I'm pushing people away, not because they've done anything wrong, or I don't like them anymore, but it's because in reality, I am so self conscious.  It doesn't matter how many people tell me "you're beautiful with or without hair" because I don't feel beautiful.  I know I look nothing like a regular teenage girl, or myself before cancer, and I don't want people to remember me like this, I want them to remember me as the girl I was. I feel bad pushing people away, and I do want to be with them, but right now I just like being alone, and I can't decide whether or not that's a bad thing.