learning new things

I have recently came to the conclusion that my hair growth is decieving.  Not too long ago, my hair cells started to come back slowly.  It wasn't much but it two months time, I had fuzzies all over my head, I had a full set of eye lashes, and eye brows, and I was even growing leg hair.  I was extatic because the doctors always said that my hair would not start to grow back until maintenance(a later stage in my treatments), so I just thought that I had a head start and my hair would have more time to grow for school.  A couple weeks later, all of my fuzzies fell out, my leg hair was gone, and I have now lost my eye lashes& brows.  It turns out that my hair cells will continue to do so, until I hit maintenance.  It will grow and then fall out, a bunch of times before it really starts coming back.  I find this extremly unfair and decieving, losing your hair once is hard enough, but to lose it over and over is just not right.  I also recently found out that there is a very good chance that when I'm done with cancer, I could very well not be able to have children.  I don't really have many good things to say about that, I am just bummed. 

Positivity is Key

A lot of people ask me how I deal with cancer, and every time my answer will always stay the same: I think positively.  That's what I did even before I was diagnosed, using positive thinking is a great thing to do in any situation.  Even in your deepest, darkest times, there is always a bright side.  It may be small, it may be hard to see, but it's there, and if you can find it, you know that things aren't all bad.  It's also important to know that it can always be worse, even in my situation, I think hey, I still have a kick ass family, I have all my limbs, it's not terminal cancer, but most importantly I WILL GET BETTER. I take it one day at a time, and each day that goes by, is a day closer to health.  There are so many positive thoughts, that I tell my self each and every day, and I have gotten quite good at it, but for the days that I forget, I have my supporters.  You know who you are.  So to any one that is reading my blog that may be struggling in some way, shape, or form, this is my suggestion to you.

Terry Fox Run

On friday, September 27th, my old school, ENSS held a Terry Fox run.  So many people I knew were running for me, and it was really touching.  I really miss ENSS because it was a big part of my life, all of my closest friends still go there, and I'm really hoping i'll get the chance to go back.  I think the Terry Fox run is a really powerful day, and that it is truly amazing that one man made such a difference.  Since so many people were running for me, and all of my friends were going, I thought the least I could do was show up at the finish line and be there supporting them.

fever admissions

Admissions suck.  There's no getting around it, they just suck.  For those of you who don't know, an admission is when you have to stay over-night at a hospital.  Most of the time, when I'm in for an admission it's because im getting chemo, they usualy last for about 6 days, and im scheduled to go in every two weeks.  My problem, is that i always seem 100 times more sick in hospital than I do at home.  In hospital you have nurses coming in waking you up all throughout the night, every one wants to take your temperature and your blood pressure, and the food tastes like hospital food.  Not only that but you are attached to an IV pole that beeps really loudly almost every hour for the entire time you're there (I have named my IV pole Stuart, because I think everything should have a name).  If I wasn't already really sick because of the chemo, none of this stuff would seem so bad.  I've gotten used to the chemo admissions though, because you know when they are coming so you can brace yourself for them.  When you think about it, after every admission you are just one step closer to being done with all of this, thats what I always think to myself when I'm feeling down about being in the hospital and feeling like crap "This too shall pass".  The reason I haven't blogged lately is because I have been in hospital for a different kind of admission, this time it was because I got a fever.  I know that might seem silly to most of you, but when you really think about it, I have pretty much no imune system, that means I have no good cells to fight off anything on my own.  When you get a fever, that means your body is trying to fight something.  So if I didn't go into the hospital right away, and gotten lots of antibiotics, the simple little cold that I have, would have killed me.  Fever admissions arent as bad as chemo admissions because you aren't getting medicine that litteral kills all cells in your body, but you have to sit there for 4 days, getting antibiotics, which have some pretty nasty side effects.  I'm still laying in my hospital bed, i'm on the fourth day of being here, so I should be going home right now, but I'm not sure if they are going to let me leave or not because I'm pretty sick.  There isn't much good to this post, but I really want every one out there to enjoy the lives that they have to the fullest.  Enjoy your home cooked meals, enjoy your feelings of health and strength, and family and friends, because not everybody has that.  So when you do have all that, It's important to realize it.

What comes after cancer?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and as much as having cancer sucks, I'm a little worried about what life is going to be like after I'm done with cancer.  It's not just a break in my life, for a teenager 3 years is a long time, and I'm missing out on a big part of my life.  It's life changing really, everything is different, my health, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, everything.  So I wonder if I'll ever be able to be back sitting in a class room filled with girls gossiping about drama, and boys doing whatever teenage boys do, to me those things don't really matter anymore.  I used to care about things like drama, and who's dating who, and what the supply teacher is wearing, but honestly none of that matters any more, the world is so much bigger than that.  I see status' about how there's a cold going around and people write things like "omg I feel like I'm dying! Sooo sick D:" and I just roll my eyes at it because they don't know the half of it.  Not that I blame them, how are they suppose to know?  Most people don't have to go through this, ever.  I just feel really different, and I'm going to have these memories with me forever, so it kind of makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to really connect with an average person later on.  I'm not sure if that sounds shallow, or makes me crazy.  I'm just worried I won't ever be "normal" again, even without cancer.

Every day struggles

Every day I have a different struggle, but the main thing that is a constant battle is walking.  When I got cancer, I lost all of my energy to do literally anything, so I haven't gotten hardly any physical exercise.  When you are sitting and laying down that much, for that long, you would think you would gain weight.  I was the exact opposite, I lost all of my muscles, and the disease itself makes me lose weight constantly.  Because of this, it makes it very hard for my legs to support me.  One of the chemo drugs that I take, has a side effect that gives me a condition called foot drop.  This means that my ankles are very delicate, and weak, and I cannot lift my feet on my own, so walking like a regular person-heal to toe, is next to impossible.  Its really hard to gain back muscle, yet you lose it unbelievably fast.  I really don't like not being able to walk properly because it means I need help all the time, it makes me feel vulnerable, and needy.  It's also scary because if I fall, I can't get back up on my own, so I'm never allowed to be left alone.  An other struggle that I have on a daily basis, is the nausea.  In the past 6 months, I have thrown up 10x more than a regular person would, in there entire lives.  You learn to keep going though, if every time you puke, you stay in bed for the rest of the day, you're going to be in bed for three years, and that's just not realistic.  My family and I try to make light of any and every situation, for example we named my puke bucket Vern.  It may be a little thing, but it does make a difference.  Saying "can you pass me the Vern?" is a lot nicer than saying "get me the bucket!".  Moral of the story is, thinking positively and making light of any situation, makes everything easier, and a lot more bearable.

Make a Wish Foundation

Every child under the age of 18, that has a life threatening illness, is eligible for one wish from the make a wish foundation.  You can ask to meet someone, you can ask for something, or you can ask to go somewhere.  This ranges from all sorts of things, like spending a day with your favourite celebrity, or getting a hot tub in your back yard, or you could take your entire family to Hawaii and go swim with the dolphins.  I qualify for this wish, but I honestly have no idea what to ask for!  I am not going to wish for anything right now, but it has to be before im 18, I am 16 now.  I've done research on some of the things that other people have wished for, and some of them are really touching.  There was a little girl who wished to "give back", so she wished she could give every cancer patient in that hospital, a bunny and a blanket, because she had a bunny and blanket and that is what gave her hope when she was feeling really ill.  So rather than wishing for something for herself she wished to give other cancer patients hope.  The fact that such a young girl has that big of a heart, truly moved me.  Most children wished for things like swimming with the dolphins, or going on a Disney cruise was a big one, or wishing for a Pony, or the latest laptop.  I wanted to wish to help build a school in Africa, but the reality is, Africa is not a healthy place, and it would be dangerous for me to travel there when I could get more ill than I already am.  I was also considering taking my family away somewhere for a week, because they are suffering through this as well.  I am not sure where I would go though.  I'm looking for suggestions, as to what you think I should wish for.  I'd love to hear all of your creative ideas!  If you would like to give me a suggestion, or tell me what you would wish for, or even if you have a wish story of your own, please leave it in the comments:)