"normal" ??

I never expected it to be like this. This part, the recovery, is honestly just as bad as being sick. Just a different kind of pain. I feel so alone, now more than ever. At least when I was sick I could give people numbers or results or something, so they could see why it hurts.. but I don't think many people can understand this. Not really.

Now that I am starting to feel like a regular person, I really see the impact that cancer has had on my life. I am a different person.

I'm not that 15 year old girl I remember. I feel 100% behind everybody my own age, and everybody younger than me is way too immature for my personality. I have the maturity of an 80 year old, and the experience of a 15 year old.

I miss my old life. I miss having tones of boyfriends, and being friends with every one in the school. All of my friends seem to have disappeared and I am so self conscious & insecure, I don't even know how to approach men.. I don't have regular things to talk about with people. I may not be sick anymore... but I don't know how to behave like I'm not sick anymore. I don't remember how to socialize, and I don't know how to learn.

I just want things to go back how they were pre-cancer.

I want to be a "normal" 18 year old...

recovery is tuff

When I first got cancer, I had no idea what the journey was going to be like. I thought it would be a break in my life and I would have a hard time for a while, but eventually I expected things to go back to have they were before I got sick...boy, was I wrong.

Going through my blue book (my protocal) my mom and I came to the conclusion a long time ago, that I was to be done treatment on April 25th. A few weeks ago I was told that that was incorrect, and I was going to be done in just a few weeks. I will be done treatment on February (hate spelling that word, such a pointless R!) 29th. I have now finished my IV treatment and all I have left is my oral chemo.

Everyone keeps congratulating me, telling how awesome this is. I agree, it is awesome! but why am I not feeling that way? I'm scared. I'm not ready to be done. I prepared myself to be done in April, not now! It may be hard for other people to understand, but I had no idea recovery would be this difficult. I'm worried that once I'm done, people will expect me to just be better. Be normal. But I know it's not going to be that easy. I'm still sick, my feet still don't work like they should, and I still have next to no energy. I was hoping that by the time I stopped treatment, I would be a little better than I am now.

Cancer has been my entire life for three years now, I don't know how to live "normally". I don't know how to be a "normal teenager". I don't know how to feel or act, and I'm scared.

Independance

I feel like im soo far behind.. in everything.  School, relationships, experiences, partying, life, just everything. But one thing that I feel I am the most behind in, is independance.

At my age now, most of my friends are moved out, driving, in college or university etc. And I havent even had a serious boyfriend yet! Im worried that next september when I do move out and start my own life, that im not going to be ready.  I still ask my mom for permission before I go anywhere & I can't even drive on my own yet. Im scared that when I go to college, all the independance is going to jump at me all at once, and im not going to be able to handle it.

Blah, missing a chunk of my teenage years, is a lot harder than i thought. I thought I would just pick up and go back to normal, but its not nearly that easy.

Depression

Depression is a very real thing.  Going through it when you feel like no one can relate to you, & you feel alone is awful. Lately I have been in a huge slump and can't seem to get myself out of it.  I'm stuck between really wanting friends right now, to just wanting everyone to leave me alone.  I am confused and over whelmed, and just not really sure what to do with myself at the moment.  It's really tough. My mental state at the point is a lot worse than my health, and in a lot of ways, I find that to be harder.

Dont know what you have until it's gone

Hair. Omg. I have hair! Not just a little peach fuzz, I now have a full head of hair.  Most people hate their hair and get fed up with having to style it, but once you lose your hair, you get a whole new appreciation for it. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to have hair; it could be a blue frizzy disaster and I would still be pleased.

You really don't know what you have, until it gets taken away from you.  We all take so much for granted without even realizing it. Air for example; how many of you stop and say "boy im glad i can breath, air rocks"? You just don't think of that stuff, until all of the sudden you can't breath. Same goes for walking. I think after you get cancer, or anything life threatening, you really do have an entirely new appreciation for life and all the things that come with it. Its the little things that matter the most.

recovery is just as tuff

Today has been a hard one.  It is thanksgiving day and I am trying so hard to be thankful.  I am thankful for being alive and I am o'so thankful for my wonderful family and all of their support.

It can be very difficult for me to understand what my body is going through, I am fighting for my life, and yet for some reason that is the last thing on my mind.  I am worried about schooling, boys, weight, friends etc.. death is the last thing on my list, simply because it doesn't feel real.  As I recover, I have found new struggles, that no one seems to have warned me about...

When I was told that my treatment would last three years, I had assumed that that would be the last of my cancer issues.  I figured that when I was done being sick and taking medicine, that everything would go back to the way it was; that I would have a "normal" life.  Unfortunately today I have realized that that is not the case.  At this moment I'm struggling to find any confidence at all.  I can't work, because of my fatigue and lack of muscle.  School is a constant struggle for me because of how much school I missed, my fatigue, and walking.  I can't drive for several more reasons.  I am just so far behind in life in general, that I wonder if I will ever catch up.  I am trying so hard to be positive for the people around me, but I am just so sick and tired of cancer taking over.  I want to have a job and be able to support myself, I want to move out and go to university, have a boyfriend and party with friends.. and yet none of that seems to be happening any time soon.  Yes I am sure all of that will happen eventually, I just really wish I could be at the same pace as everybody else.  I am tired of feeling so different.  It's also hard because I feel like I can't talk to anybody about these things... I feel like I am complaining when I talk to anyone about it, and I also want to stay strong and be positive; but sometimes it's hard to keep it all bottled up.  Sometimes I push people away, because I don't want to bare other people with my several issues, but sometimes I wish people would try just a little harder to stay a part of my life.

being me

This summer has truly been an adventure for me... A lot of it was really amazing, I was finally well enough to travel on my own to BC, for three weeks! And yet a lot of it was really hard for me.  I am realising the hard way, once again, that I am not a "normal" teenager.  I don't like partying all the time, or getting sucked in to all of the negative drama. I am so glad that I am getting better, but I am also learning that, that comes with a lot of new struggles.. I have no friends, yet I want to be social.  I have a year until college, yet I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. But I think the main thing that I am struggling with, is finding out who I am.  What I like and what I don't, but also the people I want to surround myself with. For two and a half years, cancer was my main focus...now that I am getting my own life back, I really have to figure out what I want myself and my new life, to look like.